Importance of Training Times

So I'm laying in bed going through all the things in my head so I can finally fall asleep and my blog post on spanking popped back into my head. I wanted to share one HUGE benefit of training times, specifically when it comes to spanking your child. I firmly believe you should not spank a child for something they did not understand prior to the spanking what was expected of them in the first place. For example, you should not spank for calling your child's name if they did not come to you right away if you did not know for sure that your child knew what you expected of them. That's whats great about training time. You go over the things and behaviors you are wanting from your child. You practice them, make games and learning out of them, you talk about them and you actually SEE your child's comprehension of what you are trying to teach them. So when it does come to the disobedience and you weren't sure if they truly knew they were suppose to come to you when you called their name, or that they know what it means to be quiet and not talk anymore, or when mommy says stop they stop...you've seen them do all these things over and over in training so you know they know and therefore if they choose not to follow your instructions/commands you can spank without worrying, "oh, did they really understand what I was asking of them? Was I being to harsh to spank them for that?"

Swats and Spanks

Yes, we spank our kids! Before I really got into the GKGW and Moms' Notes material I really felt I was spanking for almost every wrong behavior my kids were doing. I was was frustrated and they were frustrated and really no positive changes were coming from all the swats. Then I re-listened to "First Time Obedience" form Moms' Notes and had a major "ah ha" moment! Carla Link (Mom's Notes author) even said it herself, "parents tend to spank their kids way too much and for the wrong things".

In our home we now only spank for first time obedience offenses. In other words, I tell the kids to do something and if they directly disobey my instructions, they'll get a swat for disobeying (well, I first send them to their room and they can sit on their bed until they are ready to obey my instructions, then they get a swat for not obeying me first time after they followed through on my instructions). I tell Anna to stay on her bed and she directly disobeys me and gets off her bed - she gets a swat. I call Owen's name and he directly disobeys my instructions of coming when his name is called and takes of the other way, he'll get a swat...I've got plenty of examples I could share...If you want to have first time obedience with your kids and the act of submission that is required of your children, then you need to consider swatting your kids if you are having trouble with them not obeying you first time.

So it made me think the other day how my kids do a pretty good job obeying me while at home but when we are out in public or around other people in our house or theirs, their level of obedience drops! Why? I figured it was because in those situations they know (yes, our kids are that smart!) that mom won't give me a swat here because other people are around...so I got smart too! So, now when my kids are openly disobedient when we are in public, I say "I'm sorry you made the choice not to obey mommy first time. When we get home you will get a swat". And the most important thing of all is - when you say you are going to give your kid a swat when you get home then by all means when you get home, make sure to give your child their swat.

Are you feeling that your spankings or swats or whatever your family chooses to call them are not working? That you are not seeing improved behavior in your children because of them or that they are not taking your spankings seriously - maybe it's because you are not swatting hard enough. Yes, a spanking should sting and be uncomfortable...as the Ezzo's say, without pain your chastisements will be ineffective. (They aren't only referring to physical pain...) And remember that if your child still wears a diaper, they do have some extra padding there so make sure you are considering that when you do give your swat.

So since we only spank for disobedience what do we do for other behavior that needs correction. A wonderful tool called "Logical Consequences". This has made a huge difference in our family and has eliminated a lot of frustration, especially for Mark and me. I'll talk more about logical consequences another time.

As a side note: Moms and Dads, we should never spank our children when we are they are out of control. Make sure you are calm, not frustrated, angry, upset, whatever negative feeling you may have before you ever give a swat. Also, your child needs to be in self control. They shouldn't be screaming, kicking, rolling around on the floor, have a tantrum...they need to be calm and accept their swat. If your child is not in self control, you leave them in their room on their bed until they have self control (no matter how long it takes!) and then once self control you then give the swat. And when giving a swat, you should really only need to do one or two swats. We always end in prayer asking Jesus to help us be more obedient and to help us make the right choices.

How are you managing your child's behavior in public? What things do you do when your kids misbehave and spanking is not an option?

** Remember to pick the top 4 things that drive you nuts about your kid's behavior and just focus on those so you don't get overwhelmed. And if you don't have first time obedience, then you really should only be swatting for disobedience. And the thing I have to remember is to stay/be consistent. We just instituted a "no tolerance policy" at our house (of course context is considered!!!) where for example, we say to the kids that there is to be no talking or making noise when they are in bed for the night and now we swat right away for talking. We don't wait a few minutes hoping it quiets down. Yes it's inconvenient for us right now, but I'm hoping in a few days when it's time for bed, and kids are in their beds they will be quiet. (this is an issue we are having specifically with Anna right now...and in your home you maybe okay with talking/singing quietly in their beds, which is just fine. Just at our house, when my kids are in bed, I want them to be quiet.)