Be an example

I have a BIG pet peeve...I get so frustrated when I see parents do things that I know they really wouldn't want their kids doing. For example, I occasionally teach Cradle Roll Sabbath School and I can't tell you how many parents I see (and hear!) talking away during the program. And then when the kids go back to the tables for their lesson study, parents stand around the tables talking. And they aren't just whispering, they are talking loud enough to be very disruptive. I find this to be quite disrespectful. It's disrespectful to the teachers that are volunteering their time to teach their children and I find it disrespectful to the children that are there trying to listen to the program. I'm pretty sure as soon as these kids go into Church, parents are telling them to be quiet, to not talk and to whisper, and to sit still...so why do parents find it's okay to be disruptive during their kids program? Be an example and show your children how you are respectful. Show your children how you can sit and be quiet and still. Show your children how you can have self control and hold off conversations until later or at least with a whisper.

This even carries over into the home. The other day my husband made a PB&J sandwich for himself to eat after getting the kids their PB&J sandwiches and putting their sandwiches on a plate. When he sat down to eat his sandwich, he plopped his sandwich right on the table, no plate. I really didn't have a huge issue with it, but what I did have an issue with was if Owen or Anna would have plopped their sandwich on the table, we would have told them that food stays on their plates. So why would we do something different?

I try to watch the things I do and say and try to ask myself before doing things if I would be okay with Owen and Anna doing the same thing. Yes, I understand there are things that as a parent I will be able to do and my children not, but when it comes to morals it doesn't matter if you're a parent or a child, the morals should be the same. So be an example and show and demonstrate to your children the morals you are trying to teach them. You can't expect them to be respectful if you can't show respect, you can't expect them to be kind if you can't show kindness, you can't expect them to have self control if you can't show self control...get the point -- be an example! Your kids look to you more than you may realize!

Please and Thank You

Ah, those two magic words..."please" and "thank you". Have you ever stopped and listened to yourself instruct your children to do something. "Owen, could you please take your dishes to the sink." "Anna, please pick up your toys". Sounds all nice and pleasant, doesn't it? But really listen to what you are saying - these aren't instructions or commands, these are requests. When you add a please to do this or please to do that, you have now turned your instructions into a request where you're giving your child the freedom to say no to your instructions...and then begins the power struggles. When instructing children, especially children who are still learning first time obedience, don't use please or thank you when giving instructions.

But wait, you say - I want my child to grow up being polite saying please and thank you...there are so many other opportunities to practice please and thank yous in your family. When eating dinner, say "please pass the rolls". When playing tea party with your kids, say "please may I have some more tea...thank you". You will see that your children will pick up on your words and will use please and thank yous too.

Get your self some control

So this week's theme is all about self control...we had Owen's 4th birthday party yesterday and I was so hoping he would take a nap before his party but he never fell asleep. He just laid quiet and still on his bed for 45 minutes without falling asleep -- man, if I even lay down for 5 minutes, I'm out!!! Anyway, this resulted in a couple of melt downs at the birthday party. After the party was over, Mark and I were talking it over to try to figure out what set Owen off. One time it was because he was playing with a pirate ship and one of his guest started to take it away from him (need to work more on the concept of sharing). The other two times were when Mark went over to do something for Owen, Owen had a melt down. We were talking that maybe preparing and talking Owen through what Mark was going to do vs just doing it may have prevented those two melt downs or at least minimized them some. And the other one, we couldn't remember. But all in all, to me a melt down or temper tantrum or whatever you call it is a result of not having self control and so this is the reason for this week's theme.

During this morning's training time we talked about some of the things that happened yesterday at the birthday party and we talked about our behavior needing to show self control. I was really having a hard time explaining what self control is and what it is not without getting too lecturery (is that even a word?!) Anyway, I still have some work to do on ways to get the concept of self control across to Owen and Anna besides all they know is to fold their hands to get self control when Mommy tells them to. I was trying to tell Owen that if he needs to get some self control instead of yelling and throwing a fit, he could maybe go into his room to calm down a bit before joining his friends again. I'm not sure how to really practice this and I don't want training time to be just lecture time....

After training time, we went over to the Christian Bookstore (you know, they opened a new one right off Grape Road where Don Pablo's use to be) with my 25% off coupon and picked up the video series "Character Builders". We got the set for $45. This series has 8 DVDs with 2 different character building vitrues per DVD. Owen and I just watched the one on self control.

I always love it when we watch shows like this or read stories about character traits we are learning about how Owen all of sudden perks up and comments on it. Like during this show he said "oh, mom, it's self control!". The show was about how the bear was on his way to a birthday party and stopped along the way to eat the dessert he was to bring to the party. He didn't show self control in waiting to enjoy the treats at the party. The show also sings a song about the virtue being taught. Have the say the tunes are catchy but the singing is a bit annoying, even though Owen seemed to really like it! So yes, the song was all about how self needs to have control. Overall I think this will be a good series to have for our moral training. I still want to come up with some better ways to teach what self control is and what we can do if we feel we don't have self control.

How do you teach self control in your home? How do you personally demonstrate self control?

"Input, Output"

"what comes in must come out..." This was a song I remember as a kid. I don't remember who sang it, but it has to do with what we put into our bodies and mind is what would come out and how we need to be ever so selective with what we choose to put into our bodies and mind. And since my children are too young to make those choices for themselves, it is up to me to decide for them and to teach them how to make good choices on what to put into their bodies and minds.

Lately Owen has been saying to me after I tell him to do something "but please, please, mom, can we, can we, please, please please!" Now first of all this is not the correct response my children are to have when I instruct them to do something. I expect a "yes mommy" and that is something that we do practice during our training time and for the most part the kids will say "yes mommy" during the day. But just recently, Owen has been saying the "but please, please, mom, can we, can we, please, please, please!" and I just couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then as I was watching one of Owen's favorite shows with him, the PBS show "Dinosaur Train" I hear Tiny (one of the 'kid' dinosaurs) say to his mom after mom said it was time to go "but please, please, mom, can we, can we, please, please, please!" and the mom says "okay, yes you can". OUCH! This show is teaching my son things that go against what I'm trying to teach him and the show is winning!

Here are some tips/suggestions I've thought about when it comes to media influences on our children and what you can do about it:
* First, always watch the show with your kid or even by yourself the first time to make sure the show is in fact reflecting the behavior and family virtues you are wanting your children to emulate. There are several shows that I will not let my kids watch. Basically if the show has behavior I don't want my kids to have (whining, disrespect to authority, talking back to parents, challenging parents instructions, not being kind to others...) then it's a show I don't want them watching.
* It's okay to say "no, we aren't watching that show anymore". And if your child is over 3 yrs of age, you need to explain the moral reason why you are saying we aren't to watch this show anymore. You are wanting to teach your children how to make the right choices for themselves on what shows are okay to watch and what shows aren't - this is why you explain the moral reason why.
* We tend to either watch DVD's that we have approved okay to watch or any shows on TV we tape with our DVR so I can fast forward through the commercials. Another at times very negative influence on our children. So try to minimize as best you can commercials your children see.
* Find other activities to do then watch TV. Yes, I know there are times that a show is good to have the kids sit down and watch and yes we do have a daily schedule of a show to watch. But I do find myself when tired or just not wanting to find things for my kids to do, it's just so easy to turn on the TV for them.
* Check out websites like http://www.pluggedin.com/ which help give Christian reviews on current movies, TV shows and music. Needless to say, they don't have any PBS shows listed.
* Always be on the look out for books, videos, stories...that strengthen your moral training not break it down. It's hard enough to train your children to be moral, we don't need to be giving them negative influences that will work against our efforts. For those in the area, I love Bargain Bookstore, actually there is a online store too at http://www.bargainbookstores.com/, but they have lots of Christian based books at great prices. Just today I found the whole series on "A Children's Books About..." interrupting, being greedy, stealing, fighting, complaining...there were over 16 different topics and they were $1.99 each, but they were having a sale by 10 and get 10% off your total order.

I alway love when we do training time and then later one while we are reading a story or watching a show, Owen says "oh, mom just like in training time". It helps me see that he is actually getting it! As he gets older, I am hoping he will be able to realize that certain shows do and act ways that the Cook's don't act and that he is able to not fall to their influences and be strong in what we have trained him to be!

Do you have any further ideas or suggestions on how you control the media influences on your children? Are there any particular shows or books you like for your kids?

This week's theme...

Since we were sick last week and didn't do training all but of 2 days, I've decided to continue with the Kindness theme.

Today we did our training time we reviewed some skills we had been practicing that needed some more work on. We practiced our quiet and still time and talked about the importance of obeying mommy and daddy. Since we will be leaving on a cruise in 4 weeks and my parents are coming up to watch the kids while we are gone, I asked the kids today if Grammy was a parent or a child. Owen really had to think that one over and then said sheepishly "child". (I've noticed with him when playing educational games or doing worksheets that I know he knows the answer to he'll purposely answer it incorrectly...this is something I'm trying to work on without making a big deal about since in school wrong answers whether as a joke or not will get you bad grades.) Anyway, so we talked about how Grammy and Pop-Pop are parents and that Owen and Anna need to also obey Grammy and Pop-Pop.

We went through some other pages in my "Cook Family Virtue" scrapbook and talked about what the Cook's are and what the Cook's aren't. The Cook's don't lie. We tell the truth. The Cook's obey authority. The Cook's are kind to everybody...

We ended training time with a quick game of "Truth or Lie" and "Kind or Unkind". For the "Kind or Unkind" I would give the kids a scenario, for example "Owen, if your friend Seth was over playing with your blocks and he had made a big, huge tower. And if Owen came over and knocked Seth's tower over, would that be kind or unkind?" Owen answered "unkind". Then I asked what would have been the kind thing to do instead? We talked about maybe asking Seth if Owen could play with the blocks too. Or maybe Owen ask Seth if he could have a turn playing with the blocks when Seth was done. Or even maybe Owen just find a different toy to play with.

Anyway, it was nice to have training time again and the kids really do enjoy sitting there as we go through the "Cook Family Virtues" scrapbook learning about what the Bible has to say about how we are to behavior and to practice and talk about the right things to do.

What kinds of things are you working on with your kids this week?

To Market To Market...

Or actually in our case this morning it was off to Gymboree to use up our Gymbucks! I have to say, I was honestly dreading taking the kids with me to the mall today. I just wanted to have a peaceful time looking around and not feeling rushed because they were having issues behaving while in the store...yes we have problems with that! While listening to "Training Toddlers" the other night I was encouraged to hear Carla talk about her times she would just have to shop after her husband was home because she didn't want to be shopping with her kids because of their behavior issues. The other encouraging thing for me was that no matter how well behaved your child is or has been, there comes a point where every toddler and preschooler have certain behaviors they demonstrate -- it's just part of growing up. Even with those points, we aren't to excuse our children's behavior. Instead we are to work with them to overcome their issues they may be facing. And one great place to start is with training times.

There are many opportunities for training your kids ways of right behavior and the most effective is during times of non-conflict. I have seen first hand the huge improvements in my kids behavior by just having non-conflict training time with them each day as we go over the behaviors and issues I see that need improvement on. One of them specifically is how do we act at the mall while Mommy is shopping and since I was running late we had a short talk before we got in the car and then while driving down to the mall I quizzed them on what were the expectations.

We discussed that mommy was bringing the stroller and both of them were to be sitting in the stroller. We would not be walking or asking to get out of the stroller. I have a side by side stroller and so we talked about where our hands were to be at all times while sitting next to each other in the stroller (on their laps or their side of the seat). We talked about how we act while in the store (we obey mommy right away, we won't be running or screaming or being loud). I really just stressed the staying in the stroller, keeping our hands to our self (Anna is a hitter!) and obeying mommy right away.

So we get out of the car and both kids climb into the stroller, just like we discussed. We go to one store to make a return and then headed over to Gymboree. Now if you've been to Gymboree they do have a little sitting area with TV shows and so I parked the stroller over there and did tell Owen he could get out and sit on one of the chairs if he would like to. And he did. But I did tell him he needed to stay there. Anna stayed in the stroller mainly because there were no other open seats for her.

All in all, I have to say, I was very impressed with my kids! They did great! Both sat there and watched the shows. I heard no crying or fussing from them. I spent 35 minutes shopping. And when I went to get Owen and Anna, they both got into their stroller no questions asked.

Then because of their behaving so good, I did reward them with Owen wanting to watch the man work on the train and we got some pretzels to share. Which brings up the difference between a bribe and a reward. A bribe is if I would have said before going into the store "Now, Owen and Anna if you do what mommy told you to do and behave nicely while I shop, then afterwards we'll get a treat to share". That's a bribe and that is not how you form good behavior since you are putting the child in charge and if they don't like what you are offering them, then well they're not going to do what you asked them to do. However, a reward is something the child wasn't aware would happen and is unexpected.

Anyway, I do want to have some additional training time on outings and appropriate behavior we need to be demonstrating....so I'll be posting more about that later.

Was curious how you handle outings? One thing I have never done was if my kids misbehave just leaving my grocery cart of food and taking them home. Have you ever done it and what has been your experience? To me I have the issue of by me leaving the store to take my kids home that they are winning since I'm sure they rather be home then at the store. What are your thoughts?

The Power of Isolation

I just finished listening to the Mom's Notes presentation "Toddler Training". I really loved this presentation because with toddlers there is so much power with the tool of isolation. And what is so great with isolation is it removes ALL power struggles between your toddler and you - and let's face it, toddlers are all about power struggles! And personally, I love how isolation is leaving me the one in control of the situation, not my toddler!

So your toddler hits her older brother. Instead of standing there explaining over and over the moral reason why we don't hit, you just pick up your toddler, say "No hitting" and take her to her bed to sit until the timer goes off (10-15 minutes). When the timer goes off then go and get your child and move to the next activity.

If you toddler throws a temper tantrum, pick her up, take her to her bed and tell her you will come back once she has a happy heart. You need to be close by (not so close that she knows you are there...temper tantrums need an audience to be effective!) and the moment she calms down go into her room and say "oh, I see you have a happy heart now" and take your toddler out of her room.

If your toddler starts throwing food at dinner time. Give a verbal warning. If they continue, then take them to their bed for isolation. When they return to the table and if they continue their behavior, their meal is over and they need to sit on their bed until the rest of the family is finished eating. What would you be teaching your child if instead of having them sit on their bed until dinner was over that you instead allowed them to run around and play? You're teaching them that if I throw food at the dinner table, evidential mom will let me down to play! -- as the Ezzo's say "you are always teaching your children something". In other words if you tell your child to pick up their clothes and instead you go behind them picking them up for them, you've just taught them that mom will do it if they don't...

Toddlerhood is a tricky time when it comes to discipline. Staying focused on one behavior at time that you want improvement on will help you not feel overwhelmed. Also, the use of chastisement should only be for direct defiance and lack of first time obedience. Other than that, natural or logical consequences are the appropriate methods for correction. And at this age a very logical consequence is isolation -- losing the freedom to be around others. Remember to be directive in your training (see my prior post) and don't underestimate the importance of couch time (I'll write about that soon) and structuring your day!

Oh, and if your toddler is getting off their bed when you put them there for isolation, then you will need to use a crib or play pen since they have demonstrated they can not handle the freedom of staying on their bed. And don't worry about using their place of sleep for isolation -- I had this concern too. Your kids will not associate their crib or bed as a bad place to go when it is time for bed. Think about your tone and actions when you are putting them on the bed for isolation vs in the bed for bed time - they know the difference.

Training Time, Schedules, and Kindness

We just finished our training time for today on Kindness. This brings up a point I wanted to make about scheduling your day...don't be legalistic about your schedule or you may have a really hard time sticking to it and/or be so frustrated about it. For example, this morning when I typically do training time, I had actually dropped the kids off at the sitters while I was at our Moms' Group Meeting. I don't let our schedule rule over our day. If something comes up, we do it and either try to do training time later during the day or there are some days it just gets skipped...and that's no big deal. The important thing is to make sure you have a schedule and you do stick to it the majority of the time...there are so many benefits for you and especially for your kids when you have a schedule. And if you're one of those that have a hard time sticking to one, just start doing the same things in the same order a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden your kids will remind you "Oh, after breakfast mom, we need to do our training time!".

So this week's moral training theme is on kindness. Today we read a the book "God, I need to talk to you about hurting others". Both my kids were so into this book. I changed some of the wording (yes moms, you can do that to fit what you are trying to teach) to really drive home the point of kindness and unkindness. Our memory verse for the week is "Be kind to EVERYONE!" and the kids LOVE shouting the EVERYONE part. We played "Kind or Unkind" and I really stressed some of the unkind things I see Owen do when his friends are over to play. We talked about the "Golden Rule" and how we need to make sure the way we treat other people is how we would want them to treat us. We really love the Toddler Virtues Book and they have "Kitty Shows Kindness" and both kids liked telling me what the Kitty was doing that was kind. We ended training time with watching the DVD Auto B Good on kindness called "Bully Bully". It really helped drive the point of being kind to others, even if they aren't being kind to us.

I know that seems like a lot to cover with an almost 4 yr old and a 2 yr old, but I honestly think outside of the DVD it was around 15 minutes reading the stories and playing the "Kind or Unkind" game.

Hope you are getting some ideas on how to teach your kids about kindness. Oh, I typically save the Uncle Aurther Bedtime Stories for, well bedtime (go figure, huh!). It's a nice close to the day and I like how usually we start our morning with training time and our moral virtue for the week lessons then right before bed we revisit what we learned in the morning with stories.

How are some ways you are teaching your kids about being kind to everyone?

Be Kind To Each Other

So this week is all about the moral of being kind. Here are some things that I plan to cover with the kids this week as we learn the importance of being kind.

Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories:
Kindness -
vol 1 God's Hands pg 140
vol 2 A Cry in the Night pg 53
vol 2 One Good Turn pg 125
vol 3 Mysterious Rider pg 101
vol 4 The Tears of Jesus pg 29
vol 5 The Lighthouse Children pg 45
Golden Rule -
vol 1 Those Gooseberries pg 135
vol 2 Attacked by Bandits pg 120

First Virtues for Toddlers: Kitty Shows Kindness

Hermie and Friends DVD: To Share or Nut to Share
Auto B Good DVD vol 4 on Kindness

When we did our lessons on Truthfulness we played a game called "Truth or Lie" and I would pick things around the house and say a truth or lie about them and the kids had to tell me if what I was saying was a truth or a lie. They really liked the game and so I'm going to do the same thing for kindness. So I'll pick pictures or say things or do things and the kids will have to tell me if it was kind or unkind. Here are some ideas to get you started on your own version of "Kind or Unkind":
* If mommy were to pull the doggy's tail, would that be kind or unkind?
* If Anna grabbed a toy away from Owen that he was playing with, would that be kind or unkind?
* If Owen crashed into toys his friends were playing with, would that be kind or unkind?
* If Owen were to not share his toys with others, would that be kind or unkind?
* If Anna splashes water out of the bathtub, would that be kind or unkind?
* If Owen cleared his dishes off the table when he was finished eating, would that be kind or unkind?
* If Anna saw her friend wanted to play with her doll and she shared her doll with her friend, would that be kind or unkind?

To take it a step further, ask you kids and talk with them about why each of the things you say is either kind or unkind. And for the unkind things, ask what could we do so it was a kind thing to do. For ideas at home, think about the things your kids do during the day that are either kind or unkind and use those as your examples for your game of "Kind or Unkind". And remember training time should be fun - so have fun with it!

How are you teaching your kids about kindness at home?

Kindness

This week's moral training topic will be on kindness, specially around the verse found in Matthew 7:12 "In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets."

Lately Owen has been having a hard time with this concept -- mainly because we haven't really had any non-conflict training on it. He'll get frustrated that someone takes a toy from him or crashes a tower he has just built but he has no issues taking something from someone else or crashing into their toys. It has made having friends over to play a bit embarrassing since he seems to make it his mission to crash into whatever they are playing with or taking the toy away from them.

So come back tomorrow to see how our morning training went on "Kindness". In the meanwhile, why not share some ideas on how you teach kindness in your home!

As a side note, I came across this site http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/child-training/ that looks like it has some good articles!

2010 -- Moral Training Goals

Here are my plans for moral training in 2010...I plan to keep up with my scheduled training times with the kids each day during the week and continue to work on first time obedience (right away, all the way, with a happy heart -- in that order). Then I wanted to focus more on a specific moral behavior for each week that we would go over together. For my readers, I will post every Sunday night a new moral characteristic and share with you what I plan to teach my kids. Then during the week I'll share with you how things are going, other ideas to expand the teaching and anything else we may be working on. So make sure you check back here each Monday morning (and during the week!) for our new moral characteristic we'll be covering. Please also share you tips and ideas too on how you are teaching your kids these characteristics during each week's post.

Here is the start of my list (take from GKGW workbook for session 1):
* kindness
* patience
* self control
* gentleness
* humility
* endurance
* obedience
* respect
* honesty
* integrity

See you all Monday!

What are YOU wanting to work on with your kids?

Post a comment on things you would like to be working on with your kids -- perhaps we have some of the same things and I'd be happy to post ideas I have and you could share your ideas too!

Here is a list of some of the things I'd like to work on but haven't gotten around to yet in our training time...
* kids staying by the shopping cart when shopping
* stop the "but why mom" after giving instructions
* drama of saying don't want something and then two seconds later crying because they want it now
* siblings getting along together
* how to deal with lying
* showing respect to their things, especially toys

This is not a comprehensive list by any means, but are some of the areas I plan to work on with my kids during non-conflict training. I will update the blog on this as we get there with my ideas and please feel free to share your ideas too!

Don't forget to let me know some of the areas you are wanting to work on so maybe we can work on them together!

Let your light shine...

My husband and I have decided to go through the GKGW program again now that we have access to the DVDs. The first time we went through we listened to them on CDs and found great benefits to the presentations - but like the Ezzo's say in the introduction you tend to listen only to the age/problems you are facing at the time...so we figured it was time for a refresher.

We watched the introduction the other night and I really liked the verse they shared behind the whole purpose and reason for training our children in moral excellence. I decided to make this a new page in my scrapbook to discuss it with my kids during our training time.

The verse is Jesus talking in the Sermon on the Mount -- He says "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your moral excellence and your praiseworthy, noble, and good deeds (good behavior) and recognize and honor and praise and glorify your Father Who is in heaven. (Matthew 5:16 amplified)

I wanted my kids to realize it wasn't just mommy who wanted them to have good behavior and moral excellence, but that Jesus tells us in the Bible that we are to have good behavior and moral excellence so we can be an example of who Jesus is. We discussed characteristics of Jesus and we talked about how we are to have the same characteristics so other people around us will see Jesus in our hearts.

I think this is important to teach our kids that the Bible is our guidance in how we are to live our lives and mommy and daddy are here to help them until they are able to make their own choices. Both kids this morning really liked talking about who Jesus is and the characteristics He has and doesn't have and how we are to be a light shining to those around us!

Sorry the picture of my scrapbook page is sideways -- I'm still learning how to use the blog site and not sure how to turn the photo the right direction! ;-)

How have you been teaching your children about being a "light" to the world?! Remember, too moms and dads -- one of my favorite sayings from Chip Ingram's presentation Effective Parenting in a Defective World "more is caught than taught"...think about it -- we can spend all this time and effort teaching our children moral excellence but if we ourselves can not demonstrate and live the things we are teaching our children, then our efforts will be less effective! We too must be a light that shines to the world -- and our world includes our children!