Shrek the Donkey vs Mary & the Donkey

"Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 6:7)

What does this verse mean to you? To me it means that in every opportunity I have, I should be talking about and showing my children who God is and His unconditional love for us. All the time!

Now this may seem like a HUGE task - but really it just takes a change of mindset to start focusing on and sharing/talking about all the wonderful things that show God and his love for us. For example, if your child excitedly points out the beautiful big moon - remind them who made the moon and how much Jesus loves us. If you find a tiny ant in the backyard, talk about how even the smallest of animals Jesus loves and watches over. There are just so many different ways to always bringing back the attention of God's love for us.

One recent example that really made me stop and think was the other day when we were visiting the zoo. We were waiting to take our train ride and across the train tracks was an animal exhibit for the donkeys. I proceeded to bring attention to the donkeys and started to retell the story of Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus. And how Mary rode a donkey into Bethlehem just like that donkey here in the zoo. No sooner did the words leave my mouth did I hear another mother say to her children, "hey kids, there's a donkey like in the movie Shrek." Just a different mindset...

I challenge you to find ways to change your mindset in order to bring attention to the things of God and not things of this world. We have been told to do so in the Bible - "when we sit at home and when we walk along the road, when we lie down and when we get up" we are to be teaching our children about God. And if this is a challenge for you to do, remember all of our wisdom comes from God. Pray and ask Him to show you the ways to teach your children about His love.

What are some of the ways you spend teaching your children about God and His love for all of His children?

What is TV teaching your kids?

Owen and Anna you need to stop doing that right now. "Oh Man!" (Dora the Explorer)
You need to give me that toy. "Swiper no swiping" (Dora the Explorer)
It's time to go now. "But, mom - can we, can we, can we, please stay." (Dinosaur Train)
You need to get some self control. "I'm so angry. I'm so mad." (Ni Hao Kai Lan)
Use your words. I don't understand what you are needing. "Cup, Cup, Cup" (Max & Ruby)

Have you ever stopped and noticed the behavior of your kids and just perhaps the things they are saying or the things they are doing have come from TV shows you let them watch? The above are some recent examples I have heard in my house from my kids which are basically direct quotes from cartoon shows - mind you, I thought harmless shows - they have been watching.

These responses I've gotten from my kids are not the correct way I want them responding to me or reacting in given situations. Yet, some how the TV shows have taken over my training. So what is a mom to do? Well, my solution has been two fold. First, in some cases, we have all together stopped watching some of these shows. I work hard enough instilling positive behavior into my children that I don't need a 30 minute show teaching them negative behavior.

The second solution is to actually sit down and watch the shows with your children and talk about the behavior you are watching together and perhaps what would be the better way to respond or act. Just yesterday, Owen and I were watching an episode of Chuggington, where the one character flat out lies about the wash station being broken. And the show had no moral consequences for his lie. It was just all fun and games trying to find the train. When they realized he lied, there was nothing said about it at all. So now, when I saw that part I made a big deal about how he lied and we aren't to lie. And now when Owen watches that same episode, he comments on how the train was being bad because he lied.

Also, my kids know what type of shows I allow them to watch. Owen knows that he can only watch Y shows and when he sees Y7 or G, he actually tells me it he isn't to watch it. It's important to teach your children what is acceptable TV for them to watch and why certain shows are off limits. (Makes me think about what potentially inappropriate shows I watch and how they impact my life? hmmm....)

We have to be very careful with what shows we allow our children to watch. Sometimes we think the shows are harmless and fun. But children at this age can't tell the difference between a cartoon and real life. To them, the cartoon is real life. So if a show is teaching your children different responses or behaviors then you want your children demonstrating in their real lives, you may want to think again on what you allow them to watch.

I came across this great little article awhile back with more tips on some great questions to discuss with your kids when it comes to shows they are watching: "When a character is advised to follow her heart, use the opportunity to ask questions such as: why would [the character's name] want to do that? What if [the character] feels like she should [give a good option]? What if [the character] feels like she should [give a bad option]? How will this character know what to do? What might happen if this character prays first, then asks mommy or daddy? Walk your child through the ways the character could honor God and her parents and learn to do what is right (Philippians 1:9-11)."

I do think also, it is so important that you know what your children are watching and that you actually sit down, preferable beforehand to view any new shows. Making sure that they are teaching your children the things you want them to be demonstrating in the lives. Remember our children are little sponges and they are soaking up EVERYTHING they see and hear. I know I've let my kids watch things and have just heard what was going on, but once I actually sat down to watched it, I decided it wasn't something they were going to watch anymore. And remember, you are the parent and so you have the power to decide what they do or don't watch!

Have you come across shows/videos that you particular like for your kids to watch?

To Share or Not To Share?

So recently we were at a playgroup and a lesson in sharing and well maybe to some, not some much sharing unfolded before my eyes...

Owen found a toy that he had just started to play with. No sooner did he start playing with said toy, another boy came over and tried to snatch the toy away from Owen. The mother of the boy came over and told her son to use his words and not to snatch toys away from other people. So the boy asked Owen if he could play with the toy. And Owen said "no, not yet." Well, the boy was upset and started to cry. Then the mom says, "Owen just doesn't want to share right now" and told her son to find something different to play with.

This really got me thinking. Does sharing really mean that my son needs to give up a toy he just got to play with to some other child who is wanting it right away? Is that really what sharing is all about? Why was I feeling like my son was doing something wrong by not giving up the toy. Why did I feel he was being the "bad" child because he wasn't ready to share the toy with the other boy. A toy that he had just found and just started to play with.

In our house, I really try to teach my kids to ask "may I play with that when you are done" vs snatching toys from each other or insisting they give the toy up to the other person regardless if they were done playing with it or not. To me that is what sharing is. Sharing doesn't mean that you have to give something to someone right away. Sharing to me means that you take turns - you share something...

The wonderful thing about this approach is you are teaching two very important lessons in one. First you are teaching the importance of sharing things with others. The other thing you are teaching is the importance of being patient and having self control while you wait for your turn.

So, if your child is wanting to play with something that someone else has - teach them the importance of asking for a turn and what it means to be patient. Don't focus on the behavior of the other child as not wanting to share, because that's not really what sharing is about. Also, those types of comments are really just said to make the other person feel guilty and honestly I feel should never be said to another person's child. And just in case you are curious, when Owen was done playing with the toy, he did seek out the other boy (with a little help from me) and gave him the toy and told him he could have a turn. Now, that is what I consider sharing!

What are your thoughts on sharing? How do you handle similar situations in your home or at playgroups?

I'M BACK --- Three Simple Steps Is All That You Need...

Yes -- I'm back!!! At least for now, that is! I've had a few friends ask about my blog and said they missed reading things, so I figured now that I have some more time on my hands, I'll go back to blogging about my adventures of teaching my children moral excellence. This blog does truly help me stay accountable to the job of training my children in the way they should go!

So the lesson for the day was being JOYFUL vs being ANGRY. I love the book "Parenting With Scripture: A Topical Guide for Teachable Moments" by Kara Dubin. She lists all different types of behaviors and then shares Bible verses related to that behavior. The book also provides some questions and activities for teachable moments, but I feel are a bit advanced for my 2 1/2 yr old and my 4 yr old. So I come up with my own. Tonight, we used the Bible verse from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which says "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Owen loves the show "Special Agent Oso" so tonight I made him "Special Agent Owen" and his special alert mission was to locate those faces who were angry and those faces who were joyful. I had gone through one of my magazines and cut out some pictures of angry people and joyful people and glued one to each side of some stock cards. So each card had one angry person on one side and a joyful person on the other side.

We reviewed the Bible verse and talked about what it meant. And I then asked him if he wanted to be joyful or angry. And how does Jesus want us to be. Then I gave him the 4 stock cards and asked him to find all the angry people. We talked about their angry faces and how that makes them feel and how it makes those around them feel. Then I had him flip over the cards to the joyful people and we did the same thing - talked about their faces and how it made them feel and those around them feel.

Then in true Special Agent Oso fashion, we had our "three simple steps" - which were:
Step One: be joyful always (I added the ASL sign as we talked through the steps)
Step Two: pray always
Step Three: give thanks always

And within 20 minutes of our short lesson tonight, Owen started to get upset about something and I asked him, "do you want to be joyful or angry" and he quickly turned his attitude around and said "joyful". Hopefully lesson learned! Ah, the joys of non-conflict training! Even Anna (my 2 1/2 yr old) had a great time going through the lesson with me afterwards!

What areas are you working on? Do you need some creative ideas on how to install a particular teachable moment?

If at first you don't succeed...

try, try, again. And if you still don't succeed, come up with a new plan!

I personally feel that some parents give up too quickly on training their children. "Oh, that just seems like too much work", or "I don't want to hear her crying/whining so I'll just keep giving her what she wants", or "it's just a phase, I'm sure they'll outgrow it soon"...I think it's important to come up with a plan on how you want to go about solving certain behavior your children are demonstrating and then actually stick with it for at least 2 weeks to see if any changes occur. (remember to be only working on 3 or 4 things at a time, though...) I say at least 2 weeks since depending on your child's temperament change can take awhile for one to get adjusted to. Remember, too, that it does take 21 days to form a new habit and isn't that what you are trying to do with your children in some cases, form new habits?

So what happens after the 2 weeks and you aren't seeing any difference or worse, the behavior has actually gone in the opposite way you were wanting it to go. My first suggestion is to really pray about things to see maybe your approach is wrong or that maybe you should be focusing on it in a completely different way. Second, talk to a close friend that shares the same parenting philosophy as you do. Sometimes when you are in the middle of the issue, you are so close to the problem that you may actually be missing something completely obvious. Third, don't be legalistic or stubborn and say "well this is what I started out to do and under no circumstances am I going change my plans". And finally, think about what you're actually trying to accomplish. Maybe you are being unrealistic in what you are wanting to accomplish. Or maybe you are thinking something needs to be a certain way when maybe it really doesn't.

This all leads up to my story with Anna and wanting her to be quiet/no talking/no singing at night time. It was becoming a big battle between us. In a previous post I commented how we were now going to swat when we had told Anna to be quiet for bedtime. We planned to stop giving her warning after warning after warning, that first time it would be a swat. I knew she knew what it meant to be quiet and still and she knew the expectations of me wanting her to be quiet. But for at least two weeks, things were not getting better. It got to the point that she would actually start talking right as I was walking out of her room. So she would get her swat (which honestly, I don't like swatting before naptime/bedtime...). Then like 30 seconds later she would start talking again. I didn't want to swat her every time she talked, but we did tell her not to talk so since she was disobeying there had to be some consequence. So we then decided to close her door until she had self control and a happy heart, then we would open it. But again, as soon as the door was open, she would start talking or singing. What was I to do? Our evenings were getting so stressful...then I talked to a friend about it and she said "why does she have to be quiet? maybe it's okay for her to talk quietly or sing quietly to herself?" Then I remember something I heard from Carla Link that some kids actually need that down time before falling asleep. They need to sing to themselves or talk to themselves, it's their way of relaxing. Ah the light bulb went off!

So for the last couple of days now, we have allowed Anna to talk quietly or sing quietly to herself to help her relax and fall asleep. And I have to say, bedtime has been more enjoyable for us all! So, if at first your don't succeed, try, try again. If you still aren't succeeding...come up with a new plan!

THE THREE R'S OF LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

Logical consequences are respectful, relevant, and realistic.

Respectful:
Respect is conveyed through words and nonverbal gestures.
* Use a normal tone of voice. Avoid sarcasm
* Speak directly and quietly to the student. Whenever possible, avoid calling across a room or raising your voice.
* Focus on the deed and not on the doer. Convey the message that it is the behavior you object to, not the student.
* Be clear and firm and don't negotiate.

"You need to leave the circle now," gives a precise direction. "You were talking and jabbing your pencil, etc. etc. etc" gives too much information, and opens the teacher up to argument: "I was not…He was too.."

Relevant:
A consequence needs to be logically related to the students' actions.
* It helps children see a cause and effect. (For example, when you talk, your work doesn't get done.)
* It references the rules. ("What do our rules say about name-calling?")
* It focuses on the specific problems created when rules are broken. ("When you tell me you're going to the bathroom and instead you fool around in the hall, what happens to our trust?")
* It focuses on individual responsibility and accountability for helping preserve a safe learning community. (A student ignores the signal for quiet and keeps on talking with a neighbor. The teacher points out that the signal is a way to make sure everyone can receive directions quickly. It keeps everyone safe. Thus this student needs to see that his or her behavior is not responsible. The teacher implements a short time-out period for the student to recover controls and observe the limits. Later, the teacher perhaps will arrange a practice time so the student can return to the group and show by hid or her actions the "signal" procedures.)

Realistic:
A consequence should be something the teacher and student can follow through on.
* There is a reasonable follow-through action expected by the student. (A student who is not looking where he or she is going spills paint all over the floor. The student will help clean it up, but is not expected to mop the entire class, the hall, and the lunchroom as well.)
* There is a clear time frame that is appropriate to the developmental age of the student and the behaviors of the student. (A two-minute time out might or might not give a student time to recover controls. If the student returns to the group before he or she has truly regulated the behavior or while he or she is still pouting and angry, it is likely the misbehaviors will quickly resume.)
* Time frame makes sense -- it is not too long and thus harsh, or too short and thus ineffective. (A student sent on an errand gets caught playing with the water fountain in the hall. The student loses the privileges of running errands for a few days or the rest of the week -- depending on the behavior, prior experience, and so on -- but not for a month or forever!) Remember, children need on-going opportunities to learn from their mistakes, develop their self-controls, and regain trust.
* The teacher is prepared to follow-through and implement. (Told that homework that isn't handed in has to be made up after school or before school begins, teachers need to check the homework and reinforce expectations, as well as be realistic about their own time availability and parent communication. No empty threats!)

In sum, logical consequences applied with respect, relevancy, and realistic guidelines help children understand the consequences of their own choices and, hopefully, help them learn from their mistakes.

This was taken from http://www.educationworld.com/a_curr/columnists/charney/charney006.shtml -- a resource for teachers in the classroom.

Go to your room...(that includes you mom!)

I typically put a show on for the kids while I go upstairs to take my shower. I leave the bathroom door open so for the most part I can hear what is going on while I shower. Yesterday, I came downstairs after my shower to see and hear the kids quickly running out of the kitchen, jumping on the sofa, and quietly giggling. I knew they were up to something. As I came around the corner, their little checks were filled with something. I asked Owen what was in his mouth and before he could answer, Anna said in a giddy excited voice "chocolate!" While in my shower the kids had moved one of the dining room chairs into the kitchen and helped themselves to the Hershey Kisses that were sitting on the kitchen counter (they did manage to grab some grapes as well!). Anyway, needless to say, I was a bit frustrated since they know when I'm taking my shower they are suppose to be either playing nicely or watching their show. They aren't to be in Mommy's kitchen without first asking me. So what was I to do? I took a deep breath and told Owen in a calm and controlled voice to go to his room. (Back to my previous post, we need to show our kids self control and even though I wanted to yell and scream that yet once again they've managed to do something I've told them not to do...we need to be the example. Also, remind me to tell you the analogy about the traffic cop if you haven't already heard it!) Anyway, Owen went straight to his room without complaining or whining and sat on his red stool by the door waiting for me to come talk to him. Anna went to her room as well. So what was I going to do? In my opinion the best consequence was a logical consequence so I went into Owen's room and we talked about why Mommy sent him to his room. I told him that because he did something that he shouldn't have done - pushing the dining room chair into the kitchen to get chocolates off the counter - that he would not be getting any treats today (I'll write more about this later when I talk about picky eaters and why this was a logical consequence...). To me this was the best logical consequence that I could think of that was tied to what just happened. Here are some thoughts to consider when it comes to logical consequences:
* A logical consequence is a way for a parent to "redirect a child's thinking and behavior, which is logically associated with the offense" (GKGW).
* To help you remember, there are three R's to logical consequences: Respectful, Relevant, and Realistic. See my next post on more details from a website I found regarding the three R's of logical consequences.
* You don't have to tell your child right away what the logical consequence is, but it should be determined while the child is sitting in a reflective time out. In other words, if you need time to think of an appropriate logical consequence, it's okay to tell your child to go sit in his room (this is not play time!) while you determine what the logical consequence will be (yes, you can go to your room too to think about it and pray for guidance!) This allowed me some time to cool down and to think clearly and then I was able to calmly go talk to Owen about his choices he had made and the consequences for those choices.
* Once you lay out a logical consequence, by all means, make sure you follow through with it! If not, then your kids will quickly realize that you don't mean what you say. Don't give in no matter how much whining and complaining and begging your child tries on you to get back whatever logical consequence you are enforcing. In those situations it's best to have your child go sit on his/her bed (or wherever your time out area is) until they are ready to have a happy heart - in other words that they are ready to stop complaining, whining or begging you.

How have you seen logical consequences work in your home? Do you have some issues that have come up that you need help determining logical consequence for? Maybe we'd be able to help!