Be an example

I have a BIG pet peeve...I get so frustrated when I see parents do things that I know they really wouldn't want their kids doing. For example, I occasionally teach Cradle Roll Sabbath School and I can't tell you how many parents I see (and hear!) talking away during the program. And then when the kids go back to the tables for their lesson study, parents stand around the tables talking. And they aren't just whispering, they are talking loud enough to be very disruptive. I find this to be quite disrespectful. It's disrespectful to the teachers that are volunteering their time to teach their children and I find it disrespectful to the children that are there trying to listen to the program. I'm pretty sure as soon as these kids go into Church, parents are telling them to be quiet, to not talk and to whisper, and to sit still...so why do parents find it's okay to be disruptive during their kids program? Be an example and show your children how you are respectful. Show your children how you can sit and be quiet and still. Show your children how you can have self control and hold off conversations until later or at least with a whisper.

This even carries over into the home. The other day my husband made a PB&J sandwich for himself to eat after getting the kids their PB&J sandwiches and putting their sandwiches on a plate. When he sat down to eat his sandwich, he plopped his sandwich right on the table, no plate. I really didn't have a huge issue with it, but what I did have an issue with was if Owen or Anna would have plopped their sandwich on the table, we would have told them that food stays on their plates. So why would we do something different?

I try to watch the things I do and say and try to ask myself before doing things if I would be okay with Owen and Anna doing the same thing. Yes, I understand there are things that as a parent I will be able to do and my children not, but when it comes to morals it doesn't matter if you're a parent or a child, the morals should be the same. So be an example and show and demonstrate to your children the morals you are trying to teach them. You can't expect them to be respectful if you can't show respect, you can't expect them to be kind if you can't show kindness, you can't expect them to have self control if you can't show self control...get the point -- be an example! Your kids look to you more than you may realize!

Please and Thank You

Ah, those two magic words..."please" and "thank you". Have you ever stopped and listened to yourself instruct your children to do something. "Owen, could you please take your dishes to the sink." "Anna, please pick up your toys". Sounds all nice and pleasant, doesn't it? But really listen to what you are saying - these aren't instructions or commands, these are requests. When you add a please to do this or please to do that, you have now turned your instructions into a request where you're giving your child the freedom to say no to your instructions...and then begins the power struggles. When instructing children, especially children who are still learning first time obedience, don't use please or thank you when giving instructions.

But wait, you say - I want my child to grow up being polite saying please and thank you...there are so many other opportunities to practice please and thank yous in your family. When eating dinner, say "please pass the rolls". When playing tea party with your kids, say "please may I have some more tea...thank you". You will see that your children will pick up on your words and will use please and thank yous too.

Get your self some control

So this week's theme is all about self control...we had Owen's 4th birthday party yesterday and I was so hoping he would take a nap before his party but he never fell asleep. He just laid quiet and still on his bed for 45 minutes without falling asleep -- man, if I even lay down for 5 minutes, I'm out!!! Anyway, this resulted in a couple of melt downs at the birthday party. After the party was over, Mark and I were talking it over to try to figure out what set Owen off. One time it was because he was playing with a pirate ship and one of his guest started to take it away from him (need to work more on the concept of sharing). The other two times were when Mark went over to do something for Owen, Owen had a melt down. We were talking that maybe preparing and talking Owen through what Mark was going to do vs just doing it may have prevented those two melt downs or at least minimized them some. And the other one, we couldn't remember. But all in all, to me a melt down or temper tantrum or whatever you call it is a result of not having self control and so this is the reason for this week's theme.

During this morning's training time we talked about some of the things that happened yesterday at the birthday party and we talked about our behavior needing to show self control. I was really having a hard time explaining what self control is and what it is not without getting too lecturery (is that even a word?!) Anyway, I still have some work to do on ways to get the concept of self control across to Owen and Anna besides all they know is to fold their hands to get self control when Mommy tells them to. I was trying to tell Owen that if he needs to get some self control instead of yelling and throwing a fit, he could maybe go into his room to calm down a bit before joining his friends again. I'm not sure how to really practice this and I don't want training time to be just lecture time....

After training time, we went over to the Christian Bookstore (you know, they opened a new one right off Grape Road where Don Pablo's use to be) with my 25% off coupon and picked up the video series "Character Builders". We got the set for $45. This series has 8 DVDs with 2 different character building vitrues per DVD. Owen and I just watched the one on self control.

I always love it when we watch shows like this or read stories about character traits we are learning about how Owen all of sudden perks up and comments on it. Like during this show he said "oh, mom, it's self control!". The show was about how the bear was on his way to a birthday party and stopped along the way to eat the dessert he was to bring to the party. He didn't show self control in waiting to enjoy the treats at the party. The show also sings a song about the virtue being taught. Have the say the tunes are catchy but the singing is a bit annoying, even though Owen seemed to really like it! So yes, the song was all about how self needs to have control. Overall I think this will be a good series to have for our moral training. I still want to come up with some better ways to teach what self control is and what we can do if we feel we don't have self control.

How do you teach self control in your home? How do you personally demonstrate self control?

"Input, Output"

"what comes in must come out..." This was a song I remember as a kid. I don't remember who sang it, but it has to do with what we put into our bodies and mind is what would come out and how we need to be ever so selective with what we choose to put into our bodies and mind. And since my children are too young to make those choices for themselves, it is up to me to decide for them and to teach them how to make good choices on what to put into their bodies and minds.

Lately Owen has been saying to me after I tell him to do something "but please, please, mom, can we, can we, please, please please!" Now first of all this is not the correct response my children are to have when I instruct them to do something. I expect a "yes mommy" and that is something that we do practice during our training time and for the most part the kids will say "yes mommy" during the day. But just recently, Owen has been saying the "but please, please, mom, can we, can we, please, please, please!" and I just couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then as I was watching one of Owen's favorite shows with him, the PBS show "Dinosaur Train" I hear Tiny (one of the 'kid' dinosaurs) say to his mom after mom said it was time to go "but please, please, mom, can we, can we, please, please, please!" and the mom says "okay, yes you can". OUCH! This show is teaching my son things that go against what I'm trying to teach him and the show is winning!

Here are some tips/suggestions I've thought about when it comes to media influences on our children and what you can do about it:
* First, always watch the show with your kid or even by yourself the first time to make sure the show is in fact reflecting the behavior and family virtues you are wanting your children to emulate. There are several shows that I will not let my kids watch. Basically if the show has behavior I don't want my kids to have (whining, disrespect to authority, talking back to parents, challenging parents instructions, not being kind to others...) then it's a show I don't want them watching.
* It's okay to say "no, we aren't watching that show anymore". And if your child is over 3 yrs of age, you need to explain the moral reason why you are saying we aren't to watch this show anymore. You are wanting to teach your children how to make the right choices for themselves on what shows are okay to watch and what shows aren't - this is why you explain the moral reason why.
* We tend to either watch DVD's that we have approved okay to watch or any shows on TV we tape with our DVR so I can fast forward through the commercials. Another at times very negative influence on our children. So try to minimize as best you can commercials your children see.
* Find other activities to do then watch TV. Yes, I know there are times that a show is good to have the kids sit down and watch and yes we do have a daily schedule of a show to watch. But I do find myself when tired or just not wanting to find things for my kids to do, it's just so easy to turn on the TV for them.
* Check out websites like http://www.pluggedin.com/ which help give Christian reviews on current movies, TV shows and music. Needless to say, they don't have any PBS shows listed.
* Always be on the look out for books, videos, stories...that strengthen your moral training not break it down. It's hard enough to train your children to be moral, we don't need to be giving them negative influences that will work against our efforts. For those in the area, I love Bargain Bookstore, actually there is a online store too at http://www.bargainbookstores.com/, but they have lots of Christian based books at great prices. Just today I found the whole series on "A Children's Books About..." interrupting, being greedy, stealing, fighting, complaining...there were over 16 different topics and they were $1.99 each, but they were having a sale by 10 and get 10% off your total order.

I alway love when we do training time and then later one while we are reading a story or watching a show, Owen says "oh, mom just like in training time". It helps me see that he is actually getting it! As he gets older, I am hoping he will be able to realize that certain shows do and act ways that the Cook's don't act and that he is able to not fall to their influences and be strong in what we have trained him to be!

Do you have any further ideas or suggestions on how you control the media influences on your children? Are there any particular shows or books you like for your kids?

Ask Auntie Anne: How to Raise a Moral Child

So I have this great little 5 series of books called "Let's Ask Auntie Anne" from the Ezzo's. Each book has a specific topic and is told in story format. The one I read today was "How to Raise a Moral Child". Here are some great points made in the story:

* Moral virtue training applies to all your children, however the way you teach moral virtues to each of your children may be different. Being honest, kind, patient, obedient, thankful...is the constant just the way you teach it may be variable depending on your child's temperament. For example, teaching one child what it means to be honest should mean the same to you other child, just maybe the way you go about teaching it could be different. The meaning of being honest doesn't change depending on who your are (at least it shouldn't!).

* In order to instill moral virtues in your child's heart, you first have to have them in your own heart. This goes back to one of my favorite sayings from Chip Ingram "More is caught than taught!". You can talk and teach and train all you want about each of the virtues until you are blue in the face, but if they don't see those same virtues in you they won't bother demonstrating them in their own lives.

* When it comes to toddlers (this wasn't covered in this particular book but in other of Ezzo's material) actions proceed beliefs. You will not have the heart of your toddler but you can start teaching them the actions of what kindness looks like, what obeying looks like, what being thankful looks like...getting to the heart of your child comes during the training years, starting around the age of 5 or 6.

* To truly instill moral virtues into your child, you really need to give the moral reason why we do things (yes, we need to believe the moral reasons why too!). This should start around the age of 3yrs old. When giving the moral reason why we are kind to others, for example, will help your child see in different circumstances the importance of being kind vs just seeing in the one scenario you say "you need to be kind" and nothing more.

This is what happened this afternoon with a boy that was throwing snow balls over our fence at my kids. First he wasn't even on his property, second he was throwing snow balls over our fence at kids younger than him, and thirdly when I said something to him about it, he just ran off. If his parents would have trained him properly in moral virtues explaining the reasons why we don't go on other people's property, why we are kind to others and not wanting to hurt people, and how to respect authority, that kid most likely wouldn't have been doing any of the things he did today. Yes, I admit it, it's hard work and it's much easier just to leave the TV on all day or hope that some teacher at school teaches my kids these things. But God has given us the instructions to train our children. We have a responsibility.

* Lastly when it come to moral training, we need to focus more on the behavior we are wanting to see from our children and not so much focusing on the behavior we don't want our children having. It made me think about potty training and how when training your child you praise and praise and praise how your child goes in the potty and you're excited and you tell daddy about as soon as he gets home and so on. You don't focus on the accidents that happened during the day or the number of clean ups you had. No, you focused on the behavior you were wanting your child to demonstrate - going in the potty. Just like moral training, we need to focus more on the behavior we either see our children actually doing or when we are teaching and training them it should be the positives - we are kind, we are honest, we are respectful...don't focus on the vice (we are never unkind, we should never lie, we should never be disrespectful).

This last point also made me think when it comes to training the behavior we want, we actually need to show them and demonstrate what each virtue means...I'll post more on that later. I have some ideas for our kindness week and trying to make our training times be more focused on the behavior I'm wanting to see in my kinds and not focused on the behavior I don't want to see...

Any Questions?

This week's theme...

Since we were sick last week and didn't do training all but of 2 days, I've decided to continue with the Kindness theme.

Today we did our training time we reviewed some skills we had been practicing that needed some more work on. We practiced our quiet and still time and talked about the importance of obeying mommy and daddy. Since we will be leaving on a cruise in 4 weeks and my parents are coming up to watch the kids while we are gone, I asked the kids today if Grammy was a parent or a child. Owen really had to think that one over and then said sheepishly "child". (I've noticed with him when playing educational games or doing worksheets that I know he knows the answer to he'll purposely answer it incorrectly...this is something I'm trying to work on without making a big deal about since in school wrong answers whether as a joke or not will get you bad grades.) Anyway, so we talked about how Grammy and Pop-Pop are parents and that Owen and Anna need to also obey Grammy and Pop-Pop.

We went through some other pages in my "Cook Family Virtue" scrapbook and talked about what the Cook's are and what the Cook's aren't. The Cook's don't lie. We tell the truth. The Cook's obey authority. The Cook's are kind to everybody...

We ended training time with a quick game of "Truth or Lie" and "Kind or Unkind". For the "Kind or Unkind" I would give the kids a scenario, for example "Owen, if your friend Seth was over playing with your blocks and he had made a big, huge tower. And if Owen came over and knocked Seth's tower over, would that be kind or unkind?" Owen answered "unkind". Then I asked what would have been the kind thing to do instead? We talked about maybe asking Seth if Owen could play with the blocks too. Or maybe Owen ask Seth if he could have a turn playing with the blocks when Seth was done. Or even maybe Owen just find a different toy to play with.

Anyway, it was nice to have training time again and the kids really do enjoy sitting there as we go through the "Cook Family Virtues" scrapbook learning about what the Bible has to say about how we are to behavior and to practice and talk about the right things to do.

What kinds of things are you working on with your kids this week?

Is Blue Star Off?

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile...we've been recovering from a "lovely" stomach bug over here...I think the end is in sight, though!

One of the struggles we faced last year was since our kids go to bed early (in bed by 7pm!) they also get up early (typically around 6:30am!) and sometimes a little bit earlier! There was a time when my kids were getting up at 5:30 and I don't know about you, but that's just too early for me! So how do you teach your toddler who can't read or tell time yet when it's time to get out of bed? Here are several options I've come across along with our homemade solution - which actually works!!!

* Get a analog clock -- one with hands -- and paint on it (or tape it or mark it in some way) that shows when the big hand hits the painted part, then it's time to get up in the morning. The thing I didn't like about this option was what happens if your kid wakes up and the room is still dark and they can't even see the numbers on the clock...

* Tell your kids they can't get up until the sun is up. What I didn't like about this option is the sun comes up at different times during the year and it just seems difficult to be consistent with getting up in the morning if you are relying on the sun. Also, I use darkening curtains in my kids rooms to help with making their room dark for nap times and for summer nights when they go to bed when the sun is still up. This would make it difficult for them to know if the sun is up if they are never able really able to see if the sun is up because of their darkening curtains.

* You can train your children not to come out of their beds until you come and get them. The thing I have with this option is how are you to know your children are up waiting for you to come get them...typically they are to call for you first. I don't want my kids calling for me throughout the night letting me know they are ready to get up...

* You can purchase this somewhat expensive nightlight called the Good Nite Lite (http://www.goodnitelite.com). The thing I didn't like about this timer was it's expensive and that it has to be plugged into a wall outlet, like a night light. Well, my son sleeps on a bunk bed so he can't see any of his wall outlets. And my daughter, well we've intentional placed bookshelves or storage units in front of most of her outlets to keep curious fingers away from the plugs.

* So after all of this our solution was this - we purchased an IKEA Star Night Light that actually hangs on your wall (perfect for my bunk bed son!) It cost $9.99 plus the cost of a night light light bulb, which I think was around $2 for a pack of 2 -- we found blue night light bulbs at Target. Then I purchased a light timer, you know the ones you typically use around Christmas time (you can get them any time of the year though) that you program to turn on your lights at a certain time and off at a certain time. I think this costs us around $10. So I programed their star lights to come on at 6:45pm signaling it is time to get into bed and I programed them to go off at 6:20am letting them know that they can get out of bed.

It's been great. The kids have a great visual clue on when it's time to get up in the morning...if "blue stars off" (as my kids would say) then it's okay to get out of bed. If not, they wait their until it is!

So how do you train your kids to stay in bed until 6:20 (or whatever time you are wanting them to stay in bed)? First, be realistic about your expectations. Make sure you aren't making them stay in bed longer than they really need to be in bed for. In other words if your kids are going to bed at 7pm don't expect them to stay in their bed until 9am! Also, work on small increments of time. Whatever time your kid is getting up, set the timer to turn the light off for 5 minutes past the time they typically get up and keep doing that over time until your kid is staying in their bed until the time you are wanting them to.

How do you keep your kids from getting up too early?