Monday, December 14, 2009

Overwhelmed?!

Yes, there is a lot of parenting advice out there and a lot of things you may be wanting to change about your kids. One suggestion given in the Mom's Notes by Joey and Carla Link was to focus only on a few things at a time. So this is what you can do...pick the top 3 or 4 things that drive you nuts about your kids behavior and focus just on correcting those things. One thing to note though - if you don't have first time obedience (when you call your child's name they come to your right away) then it will be more difficult to change other behavior in your child. You really should work on first time obedience if you do not have that with your kids.

So once you have your 3 or 4 things, come up with consequences for these 3 or 4 things. Then write it down next to what you are trying to correct in your child. Finally, make sure you also write down your child's love language and met their love language need once a day - remember a lot of undesirable behavior is a result of your child's love language not being met and they are acting out to get your attention.

Here is an example of what we are working on in our home. I'm learning as I go here and may make some adjustments to what I want to be focusing on. But here is an example to help you out:

Owen (almost 4 yrs old)
* First Time Obedience -- chastisement for not coming right away when mommy/daddy calls him (Remember you should never chastise unless you know for sure your child understands what is required of them and that they are choosing to be defiant. Another important reason to have training time so you know that your child does in fact understand what is required of them).
* Respect to Mommy & Daddy -- time out (isolation/quiet and still) in room until ready to talk to Mommy & Daddy respectfully and we are working towards restoration, forgiveness and repentance.
* No whining, debating or complaining --
time out (isolation/quiet and still) in room until ready to stop whining, debating or complaining and we are working towards restoration, forgiveness and repentance.
* Being kind to Anna -- loses privilege of playing with Anna and needs to play in his room for 30 minutes by himself.

Anna (2 yrs old)
* First Time Obedience --
chastisement for not coming right away when mommy/daddy calls him (Remember you should never chastise unless you know for sure your child understands what is required of them and that they are choosing to be defiant. Another important reason to have training time so you know that your child does in fact understand what is required of them).
* No screaming -- time out (quiet and still) on bed for 10 minutes
* No throwing fits --
time out (quiet and still) on bed for 10 minutes

I have no hitting for Anna's other thing but realize she really isn't hitting. We just finished watching the GKGW Toddler Transition and I have some new things I want to work on with Anna so I'll be revising her list.

The nice thing about writing this all down is that you can post it on your fridge and have quick reference to what you are working on and help you stay consistent with the consequences. It also helps so your spouse know what you are working on and what the consequences are -- this way you can remain a team.


2 comments:

  1. Okay, when we were talking the other night you kept saying 1st time obedience like you meant just coming when called.
    I think we have got the coming when called part down, but it is the actually doing what I have asked that we are struggling with. Which to me would be 1st time obedience.
    But when I might ask him (rett) to do something< like wash his hands, and he says he "doesn't want to". That is not 1st time obedience right?
    But the next thing I ask might be To clean up cars, and I will get a similar response. To me, he is getting in trouble for the same thing, not obeying the first time.
    But I worry that to him he is getting in trouble for different things, 1. not washing hands, and 2. not putting away cars.
    So I want to be working on one thing at a time, but am I?
    Does this make sense?
    And can you write in a slightly bigger font? cause I have to study it to read.
    Okay, now I am just being difficult

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  2. From what I understand from the Mom's Notes - there are three components to First Time Obedience: right away, all the way, and with a happy heart. You are to focus on right away until you have 90% compliance. That mean 90% of the time when you call your child's name they say "yes, mommy, I'm coming" and actually come to you. Then once you have that down, you will focus on the "all the way" -- which is where Rett is struggling with since he is not completing your instruction. (also see my entry on okay/alright?)
    In the Toddler Transition videos they showed the example of instructing your toddler to put his cup on the table and he puts it on the chair instead. He did not obey mom's instructions all the way and therefore needs to work on it and have correction.
    What I've learned from Mom's Notes is if you tell your child to do something and he does not do it, then you would put him in isolation until he is ready to obey mom (for both not washing of the hands or picking up his cars). Also, I learned that isolation is not the correction but rather giving your child the time to get self control or to think about his behavior. As the child gets older and mature, isolation is a time for him to decide he is ready for restoration, forgiveness and restitution - but more on all that later...
    So what I've understood is since Rett choose not to wash his hands or pick up his toys, then you would decide what his correction would be - a logical consequence would work. He may not be able to play with his cars till the next day since he didn't choose to pick them up. Or since he didn't wash his hands he misses out eating dinner with the family.
    Hope that made some sense. And I think the working on one thing is more related to only chastising for one thing at a time...even though I'll give swats for not coming when I call and for getting out of their bed when they are suppose to be there other than that it's isolation and logical or natural consequences.
    And I'll adjust the font on my blog...glad for your input!

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